6 months it has been since the depression started again after an absence of 4 years. I thought dancing cured it but it resurfaced with the Mayanthi drama and Deshani leaving. I'm not sure what the trigger was but I suspect, it was that sinking feeling of loneliness and sudden darkening of the room in my mind that did it. Being with Vishmi helped a little bit, I felt a decrease in the time span of a single attack, but now that's gone. I have no reason to fight back the clouds and with everyday it gets worse.
Today it seemed like I shut off for a while. The symptoms were the usual headache, increase of pressure on the brain, the vigorous pulsation of arteries on my eyeballs and that feeling of darkness and loss of my sense of fear. I hate it when that happens, everything seems possible, even jumping off the terrace. It scares me, because I'm not afraid to die, but don't want to at this stage. I wish it would stop.
But this bout of it was different from other days because it's like I lost control of myself for an hour, like somehow I went to sleep and it was another person in control. Such a surreal feeling looking at it now. I knew Seni was busy, but I wanted to call Vishmi, but couldn't, but somehow the thought of that sparked me to writer her a letter. This is all too fucking weird, I hope it doesn't happen again. Or maybe it should, so that this ends once and for all. All for once, I wish the other person can take control and do the necessary.
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