When you reach where you're supposed

I think I've reached a place where I was supposed to reach, don't know where that is, but I can feel it. This is not to say I reached my life's destination or the place where I will be forever, but I have reached somewhere. Waking up way too early in the morning feels so normal, the world turns a bit slower but life moves faster and I can live with the man in the mirror but more importantly I can look into the eyes of people who care and say, hey I'm trying, almost there, I'm on my way, home sweet home.

When the lights fade

When the lights fade; the people go home, the attention goes to sleep and you're left with nothing but a bottle of scotch and regrets. Like now, I'm left with no one, my mum is leaving me, my boss is my boss, her kids and life will always come to her first, I don't even consider my siblings as siblings and after all I've done for people, what am I left with? Fuck all actually.

One days everyone, every 'friend' will be with someone, what you had, years, months of a connection changes in nan instant, makes you wonder, is time better spent helping another life, or trying to take your own. I'm so depressed that even my eyes refused to open fully. I'm sick of this, I've never done anything but help people, yet I remain where I was, alone. Giving up is the easiest option, hope I don't get through this night, don't really want to take more of this.

Ends here

I think I've made a mistake here and thought I could get away with everything and get anything I wanted. I'll write this now so that I don't do anything stupid with the thoughts that are buzzing around my head. No should have meant no and that's how I should have left it, but instead I've gone and lost every relation to her in the process. Not cool. I can tell I'm being ignored, I know I do it to people. And I think it's bloody fair that she does. But I think the church problem is going to be harder to fix, but in the end, if I have to, I will stop going to church for it. Not out of my lack of faith or urge to worship, but because I have to. In my life led trying to earn people, she's worth a lot to me. My conviction and beliefs will always remain strong, He's been like my replacement father for over half a decade, I'm sure He has a pretty good idea of how my mind works.

If it means giving up that hour of happiness on a Sunday so that her life won't get affected, so be it. I will not step into another church again, in the two months, St.Paul's has given me hope that there are others like me out there and given meaning to my mundane weeks. But all good things come to an end, looks like that is a family I don't belong in and I'm not ok with that, but I guess I just have to accept that fact that I'll give up something I like to preserve things with her. Her reasons I'm not sure, but they are justified, no anger no grudges. It's for obvious reasons I obviously like her, but if that's going to affect her life in a bad way, then step back I will, it's my duty. We are all running in this grand scheme of things, not knowing how it will all play out. I hope one day the answers will come. One day soon.

Those Words

They just changed my week, my month, and my life? Well we'll have to wait and see about that. But in the mean time, that voice just sings them over and over again, God's work? I think it is, I'm grateful I get to see this much of him. I mean he's got 7 billion other people in the world to manage and to feel his hand on me for so long, I'm seriously blessed. He's taking me the places I'm going, echoing forever in heart those words in that voice "Amazing grace..."

He

People tell me it's about going to church on Sunday, praying and wearing symbols to display your faith. Can faith be displayed? Isn't faith an intangible bond formed by you with God by believing in him.

I know things haven't, don't and may not go as planned in my life, but I am grateful. I have spent many days fasting so that my mum and the world would see better days. Many hours I have tortured myself to feel pain in the hope that just like Jesus suffered for us, my silent suffering could bring peace to others. I'm not sure if it worked or not though.

But life got to be so bad at a point that I just blamed Him for it all. Forgetting everything I had done, he had for me, I just hated him. He created hate I thought. He was the reason for suffering, I just couldn't. I took off my crucifix, my medallions, my rosary, my bible and almost a part of my life that had so many years of religion and what I thought was worship in them. Shut it all away.

But He, it was just the start, or maybe what started those years ago, of his intricate plan for me. A plan so wonderful, it brings me to tears, a journey to amazing, even I run out of words to write about it. I know I have been touched by God, I know when I have, in this new church in the middle of mass, on that 'how sweet the sound', my soul was more alive than it's ever been.

From yesterday's darkness, I have emerged to set fire to tomorrow, with the colors of light that I want to paint on the world. I believe, God will guide by brush, he is in its strokes, and through me I hope, he will make the world believe, he will make them see, what religion is, who He is and what it means to be Christian.

Wow, it looks like I've been locked up in a church and brainwashed. But no, these are the words of a man who has seen the light through his soul's dark night. Risen up like the Lord to feel God's warmth. And now like the sun of man, I'm a man of God, ready to color this mundane world with He.

Teh Paradox

I've been an agony aunt for as long as I can remember. It's not that I like listening to the miseries and misfortunes of people but I've always done it regardless who and what time and the majority of them are women. I guess I'm a good listener or I just don't have anything better to do, either way it's something I learn a lot from, both about life and women.

So the weird part comes when dealing with the women in my life and the women to come, no pun intended with that last one. I find it weird because I hear so many stories of the way different guys treat their women and I don't want to go out and be that guy in the end. It's an interesting paradox, sometimes I wonder if I should go out there and do my best or not do it at all. It's made even more interesting because I do like someone now and don't really ..ah I've no idea what to think.

Rising

I've lived a pretty up-down life, seen things people haven't seen and realized there is a lot that I too haven't seen, and I'm generally grateful for not having had to see those things. After all that I'm at a stage in life where I can look back at the past 20 years like a textbook on life and how to do things in the future, but there's still a lot that has to be added to that 'textbook'. So I've realized while learning from and working with Juliet Coombe.

If before, God as my witness, I've said I haven't been blessed, I take it back because I am now. My mother's struggle has always been an inspiration for me and my drive has always be to end that struggle, but now with Juliet staying at my house for a bit, it's like two times the inspiration. In her I see my mother, and in them I see life, inspiration, determination and everything that just makes you want to put aside whatever you're doing and help clear their way for them.

Their lives are testament to the spirit of endeavor, against all odds, guided by the light of just conviction and hope. Makes me want to become a better person, makes me believe in me.

It's not until you have died inside
Descended to the depths of hell
And marched against it's fiery tide


Fought for your soul and for your life
Defeating the demons within you
Amidst the darkness, grief and strife


Shattered dreams, broken bones
Trials, sorrow, anguish and pain
Broken hearts and empty homes


Climbing up fate's jagged slope
Dragging along whats left of your dreams
on a tray of hope


Through the doldrums you must fight
Past the hardships and suffering
And rise into the ray of light


Broken free from fate's gyve
It's when you rise from the ashes
That you are truly alive