Realization

My mentors used to tell me, that fate has something big planned for me, probably because I've survived an abortion and almost everyday of a decade in hospital. And here I am pissing all that away. I drink too much, smoke too much, procrastinate too much and at times I'm just useless, quite literally and it appalls me.

There are so many things that I want to do, but something about me just keeps me from doing them and I don't know what. I want to study, do well and make my mum proud, give her a reason to smile every time she looks at me, but all I ever do is disappoint her.

This realization comes to me after a long night of drinking with friends and finally sitting under the stars having a cigarette. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, my mum has worked too hard for it, for me to piss it away like this.

I've always been good at keeping promises made to other people, but when it comes to resolutions and promises to myself, I just can't keep them and I have no one to blame but myself. It's a dilemma, I don't mind leaving this world and journeying past its miseries, into the beyond but that will just be another disappointment to those who've helped me drag my life on this long.

I have friends, good ones and I love them, but sometimes I wish there was that special one. To love and be loved, that's all I want. Someone who I could connect to beyond the physical attraction and emotional currents. Someone whose shoulders I can rest on and just close my eyes, not say a word and lay there forever in her warmth.

Someone I will love every moment of everyday, someone who'll accept my pathetic being into her caress without judging me. Sigh, wish it were that simple, maybe there just isn't someone for who and what I am now, maybe change would bring that along, who knows.

But I guess I'm past the hard part of accepting what and who I am, and acknowledging the fact that I need to change. I guess from now on, I will try harder, I'm a nice guy to other people but have I ever tried being nice to me? Stupid question I guess, i could never do that, seeing a smile always makes me smile.

Having said that, I'm not the one to put someone before me, curse or blessing, that's my nature, I just hope it pays off in the end. But I now know I'm wrong, I'm a sinner and a failure. I'm just going to move past that and change.

Change so that I wouldn't disappoint my dear mum, my friends or myself. Like it or not, I'm going to take the lemons life sends my way and turn it into something worthwhile, if shit hits the fan as usual, I'm not going to complain, rather just clean it up just like any other time I've done so.