I do, because I've always liked the idea of keeping record of my thoughts, but at the same time too lazy to write stuff down. But now that I love blogging, this blog has been an easy way to take it all down. Coming to think of it, reading the Diary of Anne Frank inspired me to start this in the first place.
So I think now on September 11th I'm going to write down, the things I want to achieve and maybe in a while look back and see where I'm at.
I think somewhere in the near future I want to do something related to journalism and writing, then move onto get my degree in law. Then I think I'll go to the UK and complete my masters in law and possible work there for a while. Come back here and work in politics, ending up with my own Hard Rock Cafe, right here in Colombo.
Somewhere in between there will be marriage and kids, but oh well, fate's taken me in weird directions over the past 20 years, left just see how the next 20 workout.
That's one thing I suppose has been hard about the breakup, the love strengthened, undercurrent sensitivity. That sounds complex but in simple, love never dies, it just translates into lust. Now that I'm finally over my 'disgust' for feminine drama, it's like I'm sub-consciously searching for someone else, emanating lust and probing for sexual undercurrents. It all sounds weird when you think about it consciously, but I guess it's the 'hearts' natural response.
But I guess I've already gotten used to fighting off the temptation, grabbing the lust and stuffing it into a lamp. Oh boy, it's no easy task, but it's something I have to work hard at because many of my best friends are girls, and I want my relationships with them to stay the way they are, no complications, no drama. I guess one day, the right one will come along, till then, it's a whole lot of fighting away the temptation.
I have a lot of them and I'm happy I do because they remind me, I'm imperfect and I am human. Everyone makes mistakes, but if you see life the way I do, those mistakes are meant to be made. So that they act as warnings, reminders from the past and as teachers, telling you how to get it right the next time.
I know people say stuff like, a perfect life is one without regrets, but then I ask, can a life ever be perfect? I bet that's just something they say in denial. Well, I'm imperfect, so even I'm not sure everything I say is right, but I guess we all share common logic, so based on that logic this arguments has to be right yea?
Here's to life Hanging out. Making out. Sneaking out. Passing out Whatever happens, happens No regrets, just lessons learned.
A friend of mine said "happiness is subjective, you're only as happy as you want to be", and she was right, there is no proper measure for happiness, you just define for yourself when you are 'happy'. I guess I'll take a lesson from that and in times of shit, just take a step back and compare things with something worse and be happy I've got something better. That didn't make sense, but when you're as happy as I am, it doesn't have to.
There were the emo days for me, nothing was going right. I had issues in school, didn't like what I was studying, problems at home with what was left of my family. So many sleepless nights, so many thoughts, so much despair and hopelessness, and the never ending urge to meet my creator.
But then came work, dance and good friends. They offered me an escape from all the troubles at home and more importantly, offered me an escape from loneliness and thought. Gave me something to laugh about, something to kill fifteen hours of the day with and gave me hope that I was worth something, even if we were practicing for a final piece of 5 minutes.
I used to go by "Love - Dance - Live". It meant loving what you had and did, dancing away the pain and the hours, living because you can and having fun while doing it. There came a day I accepted everything that had happened to me and decided that it's not going to stop me.
I threw away my blade, that which I had carefully kept hidden in my phone all those years, found a well paying job and finally, visited my Dad's grave. I don't remember much of that day, but it wasn't as emotional as I expected because, I had accepted my fate, killed my insecurities and stepped up to keeping what was left of my family together.
On that very spot where a few years, I stood as a boy, crumbling under the weight of that coffin, I stood now a man, having weathered the storm of despair and adolescent emotion, steadfast on moving forward, my eyes to the sky in gratitude for the shit I had been through.
Today I sit at a point where I can say I've been to hell and back, lived the ups and the downs. And I don't want to stop, come whatever may!
My mentors used to tell me, that fate has something big planned for me, probably because I've survived an abortion and almost everyday of a decade in hospital. And here I am pissing all that away. I drink too much, smoke too much, procrastinate too much and at times I'm just useless, quite literally and it appalls me.
There are so many things that I want to do, but something about me just keeps me from doing them and I don't know what. I want to study, do well and make my mum proud, give her a reason to smile every time she looks at me, but all I ever do is disappoint her.
This realization comes to me after a long night of drinking with friends and finally sitting under the stars having a cigarette. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, my mum has worked too hard for it, for me to piss it away like this.
I've always been good at keeping promises made to other people, but when it comes to resolutions and promises to myself, I just can't keep them and I have no one to blame but myself. It's a dilemma, I don't mind leaving this world and journeying past its miseries, into the beyond but that will just be another disappointment to those who've helped me drag my life on this long.
I have friends, good ones and I love them, but sometimes I wish there was that special one. To love and be loved, that's all I want. Someone who I could connect to beyond the physical attraction and emotional currents. Someone whose shoulders I can rest on and just close my eyes, not say a word and lay there forever in her warmth.
Someone I will love every moment of everyday, someone who'll accept my pathetic being into her caress without judging me. Sigh, wish it were that simple, maybe there just isn't someone for who and what I am now, maybe change would bring that along, who knows.
But I guess I'm past the hard part of accepting what and who I am, and acknowledging the fact that I need to change. I guess from now on, I will try harder, I'm a nice guy to other people but have I ever tried being nice to me? Stupid question I guess, i could never do that, seeing a smile always makes me smile.
Having said that, I'm not the one to put someone before me, curse or blessing, that's my nature, I just hope it pays off in the end. But I now know I'm wrong, I'm a sinner and a failure. I'm just going to move past that and change.
Change so that I wouldn't disappoint my dear mum, my friends or myself. Like it or not, I'm going to take the lemons life sends my way and turn it into something worthwhile, if shit hits the fan as usual, I'm not going to complain, rather just clean it up just like any other time I've done so.
I don't know what it is about the material life that keeps people attracted to it, but in the end it's just all hollow, what you own, ends up owning you, your life is weighed down by the material and not filled with what's important, life.
Especially with the rise in capitalism, everyone's just worried about working long and making money to buy everything the want, but is that all there is to life? Just working long, making money and spending it, where is the love, where is the life, isn't it more about the life in your days than the days in your life.
Sigh, wish it were as simple though, the reality is that we live in a world where it is necessity, the being excessive, having what we want and working the long hours doing something we may not even like. I guess the rents have to be made, bills need to be paid and food put on the table.
I wish it was simple, make love on a white sanded beach and eat whatever the sea brings, roll a joint and smoke up on a hammock by the sea, ah qui est la vie, but then again, not to be, time to start working again.
