Ends here

I think I've made a mistake here and thought I could get away with everything and get anything I wanted. I'll write this now so that I don't do anything stupid with the thoughts that are buzzing around my head. No should have meant no and that's how I should have left it, but instead I've gone and lost every relation to her in the process. Not cool. I can tell I'm being ignored, I know I do it to people. And I think it's bloody fair that she does. But I think the church problem is going to be harder to fix, but in the end, if I have to, I will stop going to church for it. Not out of my lack of faith or urge to worship, but because I have to. In my life led trying to earn people, she's worth a lot to me. My conviction and beliefs will always remain strong, He's been like my replacement father for over half a decade, I'm sure He has a pretty good idea of how my mind works.

If it means giving up that hour of happiness on a Sunday so that her life won't get affected, so be it. I will not step into another church again, in the two months, St.Paul's has given me hope that there are others like me out there and given meaning to my mundane weeks. But all good things come to an end, looks like that is a family I don't belong in and I'm not ok with that, but I guess I just have to accept that fact that I'll give up something I like to preserve things with her. Her reasons I'm not sure, but they are justified, no anger no grudges. It's for obvious reasons I obviously like her, but if that's going to affect her life in a bad way, then step back I will, it's my duty. We are all running in this grand scheme of things, not knowing how it will all play out. I hope one day the answers will come. One day soon.

Those Words

They just changed my week, my month, and my life? Well we'll have to wait and see about that. But in the mean time, that voice just sings them over and over again, God's work? I think it is, I'm grateful I get to see this much of him. I mean he's got 7 billion other people in the world to manage and to feel his hand on me for so long, I'm seriously blessed. He's taking me the places I'm going, echoing forever in heart those words in that voice "Amazing grace..."

He

People tell me it's about going to church on Sunday, praying and wearing symbols to display your faith. Can faith be displayed? Isn't faith an intangible bond formed by you with God by believing in him.

I know things haven't, don't and may not go as planned in my life, but I am grateful. I have spent many days fasting so that my mum and the world would see better days. Many hours I have tortured myself to feel pain in the hope that just like Jesus suffered for us, my silent suffering could bring peace to others. I'm not sure if it worked or not though.

But life got to be so bad at a point that I just blamed Him for it all. Forgetting everything I had done, he had for me, I just hated him. He created hate I thought. He was the reason for suffering, I just couldn't. I took off my crucifix, my medallions, my rosary, my bible and almost a part of my life that had so many years of religion and what I thought was worship in them. Shut it all away.

But He, it was just the start, or maybe what started those years ago, of his intricate plan for me. A plan so wonderful, it brings me to tears, a journey to amazing, even I run out of words to write about it. I know I have been touched by God, I know when I have, in this new church in the middle of mass, on that 'how sweet the sound', my soul was more alive than it's ever been.

From yesterday's darkness, I have emerged to set fire to tomorrow, with the colors of light that I want to paint on the world. I believe, God will guide by brush, he is in its strokes, and through me I hope, he will make the world believe, he will make them see, what religion is, who He is and what it means to be Christian.

Wow, it looks like I've been locked up in a church and brainwashed. But no, these are the words of a man who has seen the light through his soul's dark night. Risen up like the Lord to feel God's warmth. And now like the sun of man, I'm a man of God, ready to color this mundane world with He.

Teh Paradox

I've been an agony aunt for as long as I can remember. It's not that I like listening to the miseries and misfortunes of people but I've always done it regardless who and what time and the majority of them are women. I guess I'm a good listener or I just don't have anything better to do, either way it's something I learn a lot from, both about life and women.

So the weird part comes when dealing with the women in my life and the women to come, no pun intended with that last one. I find it weird because I hear so many stories of the way different guys treat their women and I don't want to go out and be that guy in the end. It's an interesting paradox, sometimes I wonder if I should go out there and do my best or not do it at all. It's made even more interesting because I do like someone now and don't really ..ah I've no idea what to think.

Rising

I've lived a pretty up-down life, seen things people haven't seen and realized there is a lot that I too haven't seen, and I'm generally grateful for not having had to see those things. After all that I'm at a stage in life where I can look back at the past 20 years like a textbook on life and how to do things in the future, but there's still a lot that has to be added to that 'textbook'. So I've realized while learning from and working with Juliet Coombe.

If before, God as my witness, I've said I haven't been blessed, I take it back because I am now. My mother's struggle has always been an inspiration for me and my drive has always be to end that struggle, but now with Juliet staying at my house for a bit, it's like two times the inspiration. In her I see my mother, and in them I see life, inspiration, determination and everything that just makes you want to put aside whatever you're doing and help clear their way for them.

Their lives are testament to the spirit of endeavor, against all odds, guided by the light of just conviction and hope. Makes me want to become a better person, makes me believe in me.

It's not until you have died inside
Descended to the depths of hell
And marched against it's fiery tide


Fought for your soul and for your life
Defeating the demons within you
Amidst the darkness, grief and strife


Shattered dreams, broken bones
Trials, sorrow, anguish and pain
Broken hearts and empty homes


Climbing up fate's jagged slope
Dragging along whats left of your dreams
on a tray of hope


Through the doldrums you must fight
Past the hardships and suffering
And rise into the ray of light


Broken free from fate's gyve
It's when you rise from the ashes
That you are truly alive

The Nu Job

IS ABSO-FUCKIN-LUTELY AWESOME! and yes, the caps there is intentional. Working with Juliet Coombe is just amazing. I say this because I'm not a big fan of pompous academics who like to flaunt their so called intellect. But here is a woman with a PhD who doesn't use the Dr. suffix in front of her name and is just so easy to work with.

I'm just so lucky to have found this gig, coz always fancied making a living out of writing, lets just hope this gets me there. In the mean time, there's just so much I've learned in this one day working with her, I can't even begin to imagine what I'm going to end with in two weeks time. Ironically, even words can't describe how fuckin happy I am to have found this.

She still wants me

That's what she said, literally. So here I am, a few months later, enjoying the single life and not even thinking about the last relationship when I finally decide to talk to her. Of course I wish I hadn't. She is a nice woman, I still care about her despite what transpired between us, so I thought I should talk to her and see what she's been up to.

Sigh, apparently she still wants me and wanted a second chance, etc. But then comes the question, what if the second chance is given out of sympathy and not love, is there time for the love to come? pun intended. I don't know, made me sad to see her still resenting but after the ensuing lecture I gave her, I hope she moves on, coz she can do better.

The Problem

So it seems the girl troubles continue even today, or at least did. To which point the awesome Seni, came in and helped straighten my thinking. She likes someone else and thank God for that, if not I'd have to go through the usual trouble of getting them someone else or helping them get someone else. All messy work that I just can't afford to do, given my current schedules.

Well hopefully I will get up in the morning and this will be gone, but while we're on the subject, it's interesting to look at some of those 'swing and miss' songs from back in the day, ok may be not too back.

This was all over the place, and it was even more annoying when people with bad voices gave up lip-syncing and actually singing it.



Then there was this one as well, which was more fun to sing along to I suppose



And this last one wasn't as popular as the other two, but it was what I used to sing during those times.

Pheelings

Such a weird thing, coming on at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons and most of the time for the wrong people. I wish sometimes, it could just be turned off when not needed. Even this latest case of them coming up for me is just weird because of the person and circumstances involved.

I'm at this point where 2 months past the break up, I'm ok for another relationship but still I don't want to get into one, just because. I don't want to like anyone at the moment, because I have too much work and more importantly because I don't want to.

This has happen before and the solution was to stay away from her, but this time around, due to circumstances, I literally have to get closer to her. Saying why, will actually give away the person. She is a lot of things I like and look for in a woman, but somehow , I know inside there is no use pursuing this because it's not going to work out.

But looking further into it, I think it's more of knowing it won't workout, that makes this weird but moreover, I just don't want to go through any heartbreak and build up false expectations, I simply don't have the patience or the time to actually deal with it.

Oh well, I don't know if I'm in denial or not, but as much as I would love something to happen, I don't want it to go into the awkward. Sigh, tis a dilemma, hopefully this is just a temporary thing that I will forget tomorrow.                                                                                                                      

There's something about Seni

Senilicious

She ain't your average woman, getting screamy about Justin Beiber and crying after watching One Tree Hill. Known her for almost a year now, but it's like I've known her forever. Such an awesome person, someone I try to be like all the time, of course, fall short. 

Sigh, I miss her so much, now that she is stranded in India for the next 3 years. There's the skype dates, but it's not the same as going around with her and receiving that motherly lecture about switching my phone off while eating, sigh I miss that. So much to say about this amazing woman I'm so lucky to have in my life, as a friend ;) Mr.Kutub is a very lucky guy :)

Oh well Seni, can't wait till you come back in October.

I love you man

 ♥

Fingers Crossed

So I have an interview today, not sure how it's going to work out but for some reason I don't want the job, but something inside me says I should take it. Yes it's like one of those voice inside your head moments. Oh well, just for the sake of it, lets hope it goes well.

I love this blog

I do, because I've always liked the idea of keeping record of my thoughts, but at the same time too lazy to write stuff down. But now that I love blogging, this blog has been an easy way to take it all down. Coming to think of it, reading the Diary of Anne Frank inspired me to start this in the first place.

So I think now on September 11th I'm going to write down, the things I want to achieve and maybe in a while look back and see where I'm at.

I think somewhere in the near future I want to do something related to journalism and writing, then move onto get my degree in law. Then I think I'll go to the UK and complete my masters in law and possible work there for a while. Come back here and work in politics, ending up with my own Hard Rock Cafe, right here in Colombo.

Somewhere in between there will be marriage and kids, but oh well, fate's taken me in weird directions over the past 20 years, left just see how the next 20 workout.

Lust is in the air

That's one thing I suppose has been hard about the breakup, the love strengthened, undercurrent sensitivity. That sounds complex but in simple, love never dies, it just translates into lust. Now that I'm finally over my 'disgust' for feminine drama, it's like I'm sub-consciously searching for someone else, emanating lust and probing for sexual undercurrents. It all sounds weird when you think about it consciously, but I guess it's the 'hearts' natural response.

But I guess I've already gotten used to fighting off the temptation, grabbing the lust and stuffing it into a lamp. Oh boy, it's no easy task, but it's something I have to work hard at because many of my best friends are girls, and I want my relationships with them to stay the way they are, no complications, no drama. I guess one day, the right one will come along, till then, it's a whole lot of fighting away the temptation.

Regrets

I have a lot of them and I'm happy I do because they remind me, I'm imperfect and I am human. Everyone makes mistakes, but if you see life the way I do, those mistakes are meant to be made. So that they act as warnings, reminders from the past and as teachers, telling you how to get it right the next time.

I know people say stuff like, a perfect life is one without regrets, but then I ask, can a life ever be perfect? I bet that's just something they say in denial. Well, I'm imperfect, so even I'm not sure everything I say is right, but I guess we all share common logic, so based on that logic this arguments has to be right yea?

Here's to life
Hanging out. Making out.
Sneaking out. Passing out
Whatever happens, happens
No regrets, just lessons learned.

Be happy

A friend of mine said "happiness is subjective, you're only as happy as you want to be", and she was right, there is no proper measure for happiness, you just define for yourself when you are 'happy'. I guess I'll take a lesson from that and in times of shit, just take a step back and compare things with something worse and be happy I've got something better. That didn't make sense, but when you're as happy as I am, it doesn't have to.

Stopping is for losers

There were the emo days for me, nothing was going right. I had issues in school, didn't like what I was studying, problems at home with what was left of my family. So many sleepless nights, so many thoughts, so much despair and hopelessness, and the never ending urge to meet my creator.

But then came work, dance and good friends. They offered me an escape from all the troubles at home and more importantly, offered me an escape from loneliness and thought. Gave me something to laugh about, something to kill fifteen hours of the day with and gave me hope that I was worth something, even if we were practicing for a final piece of 5 minutes.

I used to go by "Love - Dance - Live". It meant loving what you had and did, dancing away the pain and the hours, living because you can and having fun while doing it. There came a day I accepted everything that had happened to me and decided that it's not going to stop me.

I threw away my blade, that which I had carefully kept hidden in my phone all those years, found a well paying job and finally, visited my Dad's grave. I don't remember much of that day, but it wasn't as emotional as I expected because, I had accepted my fate, killed my insecurities and stepped up to keeping what was left of my family together.

On that very spot where a few years, I stood as a boy, crumbling under the weight of that coffin, I stood now a man, having weathered the storm of despair and adolescent emotion, steadfast on moving forward, my eyes to the sky in gratitude for the shit I had been through.

Today I sit at a point where I can say I've been to hell and back, lived the ups and the downs. And I don't want to stop, come whatever may!

Realization

My mentors used to tell me, that fate has something big planned for me, probably because I've survived an abortion and almost everyday of a decade in hospital. And here I am pissing all that away. I drink too much, smoke too much, procrastinate too much and at times I'm just useless, quite literally and it appalls me.

There are so many things that I want to do, but something about me just keeps me from doing them and I don't know what. I want to study, do well and make my mum proud, give her a reason to smile every time she looks at me, but all I ever do is disappoint her.

This realization comes to me after a long night of drinking with friends and finally sitting under the stars having a cigarette. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, my mum has worked too hard for it, for me to piss it away like this.

I've always been good at keeping promises made to other people, but when it comes to resolutions and promises to myself, I just can't keep them and I have no one to blame but myself. It's a dilemma, I don't mind leaving this world and journeying past its miseries, into the beyond but that will just be another disappointment to those who've helped me drag my life on this long.

I have friends, good ones and I love them, but sometimes I wish there was that special one. To love and be loved, that's all I want. Someone who I could connect to beyond the physical attraction and emotional currents. Someone whose shoulders I can rest on and just close my eyes, not say a word and lay there forever in her warmth.

Someone I will love every moment of everyday, someone who'll accept my pathetic being into her caress without judging me. Sigh, wish it were that simple, maybe there just isn't someone for who and what I am now, maybe change would bring that along, who knows.

But I guess I'm past the hard part of accepting what and who I am, and acknowledging the fact that I need to change. I guess from now on, I will try harder, I'm a nice guy to other people but have I ever tried being nice to me? Stupid question I guess, i could never do that, seeing a smile always makes me smile.

Having said that, I'm not the one to put someone before me, curse or blessing, that's my nature, I just hope it pays off in the end. But I now know I'm wrong, I'm a sinner and a failure. I'm just going to move past that and change.

Change so that I wouldn't disappoint my dear mum, my friends or myself. Like it or not, I'm going to take the lemons life sends my way and turn it into something worthwhile, if shit hits the fan as usual, I'm not going to complain, rather just clean it up just like any other time I've done so.

Simplicity is the essence of life

I don't know what it is about the material life that keeps people attracted to it, but in the end it's just all hollow, what you own, ends up owning you, your life is weighed down by the material and not filled with what's important, life.

Especially with the rise in capitalism, everyone's just worried about working long and making money to buy everything the want, but is that all there is to life? Just working long, making money and spending it, where is the love, where is the life, isn't it more about the life in your days than the days in your life.

Sigh, wish it were as simple though, the reality is that we live in a world where it is necessity, the being excessive, having what we want and working the long hours doing something we may not even like. I guess the rents have to be made, bills need to be paid and food put on the table.

I wish it was simple, make love on a white sanded beach and eat whatever the sea brings, roll a joint and smoke up on a hammock by the sea, ah qui est la vie, but then again, not to be, time to start working again.

People Oh People

I wonder what to make of them, some make you sad, some make you happy, a few make you special, some piss you off, many use you and some will always be with you.

People do a lot of things to you that can make you who you are when you call it a day and the interesting bit is that I always thought I had people figured out, but it seems now that you can't, not even the most important person in your life, YOU.

I've always trusted people, over-estimated them and taken them for more than their worth as people. But as time goes by, you gradually understand the workings of people and learn to take everyone with a pinch of salt, on face value.

But that being said, there are always those who will surprise most often in a bad way, but that's a part of life I guess. We are all victims entangled in the fabric of fate, people are part of our circumstances, they add to who we are. It's like that cliche saying that it's the people that color our lives and I so agree with it.

Change

It's the most constant thing in the universe. Change it's both good and bad, sometimes welcome, sometimes not. I'm stuck at this sudden shift in tides, I knew it was coming, but not how or when. But I guess there is no point fearing change, it's better to embrace it and be done with it.

Serenade

Was the soundtrack of the night yesterday as I think my most mixed emotion day of the year came to an end. It was a morning where I went to see my best friend of 8 years, after not seeing him for a year. Of course it was a big deal because here was a man I had seen almost everyday of my life for the past 8 years.

But sadly people had to ruin it by acting immature and just taking the piss. But I guess throughout the day, the other reason to smile was that I had a Skype date with the lovely Seni, which is always something I can do however late in the night it goes on till. Although yesterday I did manage to ruin a surprise she had for me sadly.

But as usual Seni cheered me up, and as I was about to go to sleep, it was Kei and Vishmi in the act. It was just a whole exchange of happiness and brilliant songs. I just can't describe it, I just know I didn't want to go to sleep. I don't know what I'd do without friends like them.

So much love you can't show it

I think I talk a lot about my Dad at times, but he hasn't been around for the past 5 years, and it's been Mum who's been doing his job. I know she's done a lot for me over the two decades of my life, and even before it and I'm utterly grateful for it, but I wish that I could show her that.

I gave up priesthood because the guy in the clouds couldn't give her happiness and decided to work for it myself and I am little by little, but sometimes it's now enough for her to notice I'm trying. I try, it's a thought I start most of my days with, but if only she knew.

But anyway, I love her and will tell her that someday, give to her everything she's given me. I hope that day comes soon, because I sense with everyday that passes, she's not who she was. With everyday that passes, the inevitable dawns.

As strong as she is, even she can't fight that. Brings me to the verge of tears sometimes, even now as I write, she's next to me, reading me the news. I love you mom.

Look both ways before you cross

Sigh, the same road rule applies to the crossroads of life, weigh your options and check everything else before you take a decision to do something. But then again, when there is a man in the clouds who's already made that choice for your, but makes you think that you re making that choice for yourself, what really is the point?

Ah I give up, I'm just going to go make myself some strawberry jelly. fooey!

I write on too many blogs

But most of them are mainstream and most of the people know who I am, so I'm not really able to say the personal things I want to get out of my system. So I thought, I'd stay away from the blog aggregates and blogrolls, a space where just a few people may stumble onto, a place I'd feel okay putting up the sentimental stuff and yes, if you are reading this you are one of them, just don't tell anyone else about this.

Sometimes I wonder why we do the things we do, even when not necessary, but apparently it's something everyone does, well so says my mum. I'm at this point in life where, I have skills that make me money, good enough to live for myself, get married on the beach and even have a daughter called Christina. Of course when I snap out of that dream, there is the family coming up and saying, your options aren't safe, writing won't pay much, you die like lasantha or get tied to a tree and, of course, there is the you can do better!

But the point is, do I want to do better? But do I really know what I really want? Fuck no! I'm just 20, I don't want to live that long, but I think I have longer to live, how do I judge where that end of the race to manhood is? Is there an end? Do we just go on one day till we wake up to take a piss in the morning and think, "I think i've crossed the finish line".

16 years of education already with no end in sight, it's like a giant redwood tree growing up my ass every year, every year it seems harder to get away from. Sigh it's at times like this I wish I was born in the 60's just sex, drugs, rock and roll!

I'm sure I'd be at a Jimi Hendrix concert, with long hair, bell bottoms, hugging my girlfriend and singing along to 'castles made of sand'. Oh well, back to reality, the books, the research and every other meh.