Chapter 2

"So, vut next cherie, what are you writing next?" she asked as she sipped on her Margarita. I always wondered how she ended up with that slight accent, especially since she's lived in Sri Lanka all her life. But I suppose it's because her Dad is an asshole and never there, and it's the mom who brings all 3 kids up alone. I have nothing but the utmost respect for that woman. "Two books actually, this all-island guide thing and what will be the most comprehensive book on Sri Lankan art". "Very nice, I want a copy of eat. Mamon will like eat". "I will make sure I give her a signed copy when I do give it out". I sip my Mojito. I like this bar, it's so warm and cozy, I wish that V was here an... "Will you take me to Colombo zumtime Devid? I want to walk one day on the Galle Face". "Sure, when I am free. I don't like going back to Colombo now anyway, hurts too much". Why the fuck did I just say that.."What, you mean ze travel?". "No, the people. How are the paintings coming? What's the theme this time?". I've always been good at changing the topic. But somehow, inside, it's a topic I didn't want to change. I wanted to talk about it. I have so many questions with no answers. I wish I co..."It's coming goot. This time will be more expensive, but not sure if it will sell". "Oh I'm sure it will". "Why, are you going to buy one?". "No, but we can exchange. My book, for your painting. Art for art. Sounds good yeah?". "I will tzink about it, or how about I exchange you for a painting?".

I wasn't really sure how to answer that. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to flirt. People told me to do this because apparently I would feel better. They were wrong. I didn't want to feel better, I just wanted to feel her. Sometimes giving into peer pressure is what ruins everything. Peers after all aren't perfect, they've made their mistakes too. We all have made our mistakes. But why listen to someone just as fallible as you? "Okay, maybe you're worth more tzan one painting". "Heh Heh, I'm flattered, aren't your paintings worth over 100k each?". She humbly shrugged her shoulders in a 'I don't know, what do you think' way. "So what happen to that guy who were seeing? From college". I just remembered, at J's party, the both of us were being made fun of for being in 'love'. And now 3 weeks later, we're sitting here with stories on our mind, someone else still in our hearts, the lines from no sleeping, under our eyelids. I feel like a shoe. Worn to get somewhere and left out in the rain. "Ee was an asshole. Thought he could push people around with ees muscles. I tzink tzat lampshade behind you as more brains tzan him. I don't know what I was thinking when we got together. Eat was okay for ze first few weeks and tzen I was just a trophy you know. I like to talk about tzings, he just like to kiss. I hear you're not like that". "Where have you heard these things?". "Someone". "Oh comon Nicole, who said what, this quite interesting". "Well, I can't tell you who, but I will tell you some, just a littel I av heard about you".

This was indeed interesting. I needed the ego boost too after all the shit I had been through. That is, if at all what's been said it good. If it is, God Bless whichever fucking big mouth couldn't keep his trap shut. "They told me about tzis woman at that night we couldn't come to, the launch. But I don't tzink it was ze same one that D was telling us about", "Am I right?" "Well, there was more than one woman at the launch" "Well oo was ze one you were holding afterwards?" "Oh, yeah that one" "She was ze one J was talking about, non, you running away in ze middle of work searching for scarves" "What has she told you?" "Eat is a petite town cherie, news is fast around ear" "I wouldn't really call it news" "Look at you. If you were fair, I'm sure your cheeks would be red right now that I've reminded you of that person in the boos pictures" "Nicole! You're drunk love" "And you're love drunk" "Nice turn phrase, I see you've learnt a thing or two from me" "You're so full of yourself" "You're so full of alcohol". And we laughed. It felt good to laugh again. But not as good as laughing with her. In fact, a lot of things didn't feel the same without her. Still don't. "You know tzat saying - if you love tzumthing, let eat go.." "Okay I know where you're going with that" and I cupped her mouth with my palm, she just looked at it and said I needed to cut my nails. "I lost my nail cutter some weeks ago". The night didn't work out as planned, it wasn't normal. Well, probably because Nicole and I weren't exactly 'normal' people. Then again, what is normal. Ah fuck that, too much thinking is bad for you. "Lets go have a smoke and go home" I said as I walked across the same spot where Candace Bushnell signed my GLF book.

The night was still young, but we were two old souls with our heads stuck in a different place. We sat in the car watching the coastline snake away into the hills in the distance as the light bulbs on them competed with the stars above while the moon pretended to shine. Nicole gazed out to the West, out into the open black of the night and ocean that danced beneath it. "Wouldn't it be eazier being a fish?" "Don't think it is any easier" "Why, we swim, and swim and swim, no one expects anytzing from you. You don't av to work so ard everyzay" "But there will be other fish out there who want to eat you and then there's the fisherman, and no facebook either" "Ah I do not use that rubbeesh. Life is a real thing. Real people meet face to face, like you and me. You can never trust what this people say" "Bad experience?" "Common sense" and we smiled. Funny how I can't smile without remembering her smile. "You need to eat more Devid" "Really? You think so, but the doctors told me I was overweight" "Go like this and I'll dump you in Sudan and they will think you one of tzem" "I try, but I haven't got an appetite" "I will force it, and lets go now, I ave to piss and don't tzink I'm allowed in tzese bathe-roomz after being caught making out in tzem" "Kinky" "I know, imagine if Mamon found out" and she winked at me. "You're too drunk to drive, lets catch a tuk, now hide behind that bush so they don't charge us the white price".

The way back was uneventful, I kept my distance. I did the same a few times with V as well. Lets hope that not everything turns out the same way it did with that, does too much damage at the end. But Nicole is different, she's stronger, knows what she is doing and she's someone who'll fight for something she loves. Maybe that's the French side of her, who knows. "I enjoeyed tzat Devid, I ope you go back to ze way you were when I met you" "I hope so too. Thanks for tonight".

This is my first attempt at a novel. All writing is copyright to Lasantha David and cannot be taken or reproduced under any circumstances.

Chapter 1

I thought years ago, that God sends that someone your way and you get married and live happily ever after. What did I know, I was only 8 at the time and still able to walk around the house without someone shrieking about me not having any pants on. Much has changed since then, for better, for worse, more for worse actually. Gone are the days when Mamma would say "pray putha, and God will give you anything". He didn't. Even when all I asked for was her happiness. Does that mean she lied to me? Well maybe, I mean there was that time when I was 6 and started getting boners, she said "choo pirilla". So what. Some moms lie about Santa Claus and storks bringing children home, and about how she got that bruise on her face from 'falling down', even though it looks like Daddy's ring. There are things we need to know; some at the right time, and some, never. In the days when hormones spewed out of my glands like lava from an erupting volcano, I know there were times when I'd go off at her. I still shoot myself in the face when I think of those instances. She never deserved any of it.

Sitting on this rooftop watching as the horizon eats the sun and cold ocean thrusts at the shoreline like a copulating animal. Back and forth. Back and forth. One the raging tide, and the other, the delicate pristine sand, but for a moment too short, they are one, like lovers in embrace gazing into each other's eyes. But in a cloud of white froth, it is over. Funny thing about the ocean, it reminds me of me in this aspect. It always keep coming back, again and again, and again, relentlessly. But then again, the shore can't run away; women can. Ah, my cigarettes gone out. That's one thing I hate about the ocean, the breeze. So I light another one and take a look at the note I never gave her. Written on the back of an interview I did when writing my book, I always thought it was quirky to do that. I remember the time I asked her out, the letter before doing so was written on the back of a chemistry practical from back in school. This one stayed there folded and sombre, tainted in tears and the perfume sprayed on it. Funny how you give a person everything they asked for and yet you end up short, abandoned on an empty road in the night as a storm approaches. She just kept driving on. No second chances. No point holding onto this, I set fire to it with my new cigarette, which has also almost gone out! Watched it burn like I did my own life in those past few weeks.

I should stop thinking so much when I'm near the sea. But I can't help it, the song of the sea is like a siren to my mind, singing a sweet tune that calls and lures out my thoughts. Anyway, I can't stay longer, I hear the horn of that old Mini approaching, so I put on my trusty faded pair of Levis, probably the only thing that doesn't leave me, even if I asked it to. I head down the stairs and there she was sitting on the sofa, leaning her head back and smiling. Sure she was smiling, but I hadn't seen this smile before, it was a red smile, that's the only way I could describe it. Red was a colour I could associate with Nicole, her skin was golden. Her colour gave off a sublime warmth, in the same way a shaving light did. Of course she did, she was half French. "Hi". "Hey". I wasn't sure what to do there. I know with V I would always look at her like a blue-eyed boy, watch her as she walked towards me and then hug her tight. But hey, this was just the beginning, and could even be the end. We rubbed cheeks and smacked our lips. I never understood why people did that. The only person who would do it properly was D. She used to hold my face like a gentle lover about to make out, close her eyes and plant two on either cheek. She had a special way of doing things, I hope she's okay in the big world of NGOs out there. But forget that, they are not here, Nicole is and the destination is the Lighthouse and beyond. We got some glances on the way out of the Fort. Everyone knew Nicole. Everyone wanted to date her. I bet they were thinking how I ended up in the car with her. I mean I look just like them in ways with my linen attire. But I am no junkie and never will be. I'm a writer, motherfuckers!

"So Devid, ow was your de?". "It just got better. How was yours?". "Goot, and I av this filling it will get better". Was I supposed to smile for that? I don't know, but I did. And so did she. I don't know who I am these days. I hold onto who I knew I was. I miss V, really do. I wonder if she misses me. Little by little, we're getting lost. But it was no fault of mine. I didn't deserve it; I put up a fight to no avail. I wish th.. "Are you okay Devid? You look like a lost littel boy". I wanted to say, I am one, but then I would have to explain why. "No, it's just been a long week, I'm happy you came. Merci beaucoup. Et vous êtes un bon conducteur, Nicole". "Oh, tsank you, I hope you...". And the conversation went on as we made our way north along the A2 highway on which many of my emotions and thoughts have spilled.

This is my first attempt at a novel. All writing is copyright to Lasantha David and cannot be taken or reproduced under any circumstances.

Funny how

Funny how people ask for a good lovin' but when you give them that, they just run away. It's hard to fathom why, but like all things to do with female variables in a situation, you just say "Ah, women", and life goes on. But somehow, that isn't right. I mean we're way past the days when women weren't allowed to vote and all that, we're almost equal now so why should it be a woman's prerogative and if indeed, this 'equality' is achieved, then there be no need for chivalry. Hopefully, some of us are the last of this breed, there is nothing emotionally profitable about being chivalrous.

Funny how time and time again, the lesson of don't give too much, you won't get the same back never sticks to me. But I guess I'm wired to lose that way. There is no win in that situation, just the inner content that you haven't done wrong, but what does content do? Not like it can replace the warmth and smell of a loved one who has left your life unexplained. Oh well, the lesson then is to drink and expect a hangover. When the poison flows through your blood, you feel good. Same as the love flowing through, you feel good. But when that goes, you just feel like Big Mamma sat on you. But the difference there is with drinking you don't remember the in between, but in love you do. And rather funnily, you drink to forget that.

Funny how much damage a single person acting fucked up for a single few minutes can do. But like all things mundane, I suppose there ain't no point watering the dead plant. Unless you have a trust fund, life is like walking up a downward bound escalator. The moment you stop moving forward, you start going down back.

In this arena there is no coming back

These days fall like rain washing away the blood
As it did on the beaches of Normandy 1944
Like gladiators we fight here; blood, sand and mud
Will Missio be given or the blades of our actions
Cut through our attractions and spill our guts
Whose feelings were the mistakes that led us here.
Do we wield our swords in hope, or anger, or fear?
Do you trust your judgment to make the final thrust?
Will it bring your mind the peace of spring
Or will a blizzard of winter descend on tomorrow
Might the end spell happiness or sorrow?
Can we move on and get back on track?
For in this arena, there is no coming back.

Ouch

I'm genuinely scared now. Chest it tightening up and it's hard to breathe. I don't want to trouble anyone but this is getting bad. I don't know what's going on but this pain is getting worse. This could even be the last thing I write. Goodbye.

2 weeks

It's been an interesting two weeks, a tiring 2 weeks, a dreaded 2 weeks. My head has been stuck in the same place focused on that one thing at times, and at other times all over the place focused on that one thing. If there is any positive in it, it s that it has shown me the people who care about me; genuinely, truly, boundlessly. If it weren't for them, I might not be alive, I wouldn't have eaten, I might not have even given this another try and resolve to keep trying.

Even if I collected all the tears that fell in gratitude when I think about the things they have done for me and the ways they have taken care of me, and turned it into money and still can't pay back their kindness for that's priceless, even the littlest of gestures. Overwhelming in more ways than one these days have been. Even now I'm as sick as shit, but I'm not going to take any medicines. I'm preparing to fight for something, no time to sit back and reply on chemicals.

Let my will be my medicine, let my friends love be my strength and let my weathered ways be my guide to the days ahead.

The other person

6 months it has been since the depression started again after an absence of 4 years. I thought dancing cured it but it resurfaced with the Mayanthi drama and Deshani leaving. I'm not sure what the trigger was but I suspect, it was that sinking feeling of loneliness and sudden darkening of the room in my mind that did it. Being with Vishmi helped a little bit, I felt a decrease in the time span of a single attack, but now that's gone. I have no reason to fight back the clouds and with everyday it gets worse.

Today it seemed like I shut off for a while. The symptoms were the usual headache, increase of pressure on the brain, the vigorous pulsation of arteries on my eyeballs and that feeling of darkness and loss of my sense of fear. I hate it when that happens, everything seems possible, even jumping off the terrace. It scares me, because I'm not afraid to die, but don't want to at this stage. I wish it would stop.

But this bout of it was different from other days because it's like I lost control of myself for an hour, like somehow I went to sleep and it was another person in control. Such a surreal feeling looking at it now. I knew Seni was busy, but I wanted to call Vishmi, but couldn't, but somehow the thought of that sparked me to writer her a letter. This is all too fucking weird, I hope it doesn't happen again. Or maybe it should, so that this ends once and for all. All for once, I wish the other person can take control and do the necessary.

Afterthoughts

I would like to think we were both right. I'd like to think we were both wrong. At this point I don't think there is a point to going back and trying to figure out what, where, or when it went wrong. The writing is clear and you're just another brick in the wall of someone else's memory or forever a scar on their heart. As for me, finally I have closure. I've played my part in her story and given my everything to see her happy, and I mean everything. But I should know better than to expect the same. Life's endearing lesson and after all these years I still haven't learned it.

My faith will always be in fate. Que Sera Sera, they say whatever will be, will be. I still love her, her happiness mine, if this is what makes her happy, why should I try to change it. Some days in this greater scheme of things, you're a crucial piece on the board and other days, you're a dispensable pawn. It is one of the cruelly revealing truths of life, never take anything for granted and never expect out of something you can't control. I made the mistake of forgetting that and so the price I paid for the sandcastles we made next to the sea of reality.

The price is heavy and after all I've done, I don't think I deserve to pay this price. 5 meals and counting that I've skipped because I have no appetite, the depression in my head is almost tangible and pressing against my brain causing a unending headache and ringing in my ears that never stops and gives me no sleep. The angina's set in like tremors and aftershocks, wish someone could something about at least that. But oh well David, this is the price you pay for everyday that you spent dreaming. Then again, I can't help it, I'm survivor of rock bottom, optimism keeps me going.

As for her, I hope she finds the man her mother wants her to get married to. Pity she will always live in the shadow of her mother's superficialities. Such a waste of a beautiful soul and amazing human being. Brings me tears to write that last line. I have tried to set her free, but my best wasn't good enough, I hope she finds her way. I hope I have shown her a way. I hope she finds the happiness she is looking for. I will always look up to her and adore her the way I always have. Time to time, my phone rings and I hear Marvin Gaye's voice and I'm taken back to that day at Coco where it all happen.

As for me, I go back to Galle a broken man. A homeless bastard soldier of fortune bleeding from the place his heart used to be. This love has cost me much, in health and work. So much for all those off days I took to help with a college assignment. So much to pick up than just the pen. But this ordeal has thought me much - I really have nothing to live for. I once had ideals, dreams and hopes. I wanted to change things, fight for the wronged, feed the hungry, run around making people happy and solving their problems. What am I, Mary fucking Poppins?! You have to solve your own problems before you help another.

Maybe then I am the problem. Maybe then I wasn't meant to fight all those odds. Maybe I wasn't miraculously supposed to fight the abortion. Life would be much simpler. I don't know what I'm going to do. The pain keeps getting stronger and everything else just keeps growing weaker. Nevertheless, I've been set free from hoping, shown a life worth not coping. I will just crawl into my hammock and hope it takes..wait a minute. The answer was always been before my eyes. The sea. This is probably the reason I never learnt how to swim. The time will come son when you know what you have to do.

Veni Vidi Failed



Those were some perfect days, she kept me hanging on
But like all things good, it can't keep going on and on
The end comes even to the best of us all
All you can do is comfort yourself and stand tall
You did everything you could and know you always will
One day maybe, reward will come, that day till
Just believe in yesterday

The End

The end is coming. I can feel it, every cell in my body. Like weary Nazi soldiers awaiting the inevitable last coming of the Russian forces. Judgement Day beckons. In this life I have loved and lost. Lost more actually, and if there was anything I've ever gained, it was things I don't deserve. So many things I don't deserve, when all I did was set out on a journey of humanity to spread happiness. But an important lesson I've learned from this is - stop lending your happiness to others, they're just going to run away with it. But it's a vicious cycle. I've had enough. Dad once said "lets go out and prove that nice guys don't finish last". Sorry Dad, that's left for someone else to prove.

I don't know how people can be so heartless sometimes, but then again, that wonder is an unending one. A question with no answer. But I've had enough, I'm not going to put up with this. The clouds of depression race in over my head and the veins in my eyes strike red like lightning and my heart's hurt beats as loud as thunder. The winds of uncertainty blow across as the voice of destiny plays its siren song. It's beautiful hum, the sound of the end. Funny how one of the books I'm working on now as actually called 'Becoming'. Well I'm not going to stand for what's becoming in my life. Yet again I'm taken on a flying carpet, used and discarded in a desert of loneliness.

I thought for a moment there, it was different. Oh well, I have myself to blame for expecting. But I'm done expecting, hoping, helping, caring, loving, liking, giving a flying fuck. The end is coming, the music gets louder as everything else numbs. The end is in the air tonight, come get me motherfucker, I don't care how anymore