The Nu Job

IS ABSO-FUCKIN-LUTELY AWESOME! and yes, the caps there is intentional. Working with Juliet Coombe is just amazing. I say this because I'm not a big fan of pompous academics who like to flaunt their so called intellect. But here is a woman with a PhD who doesn't use the Dr. suffix in front of her name and is just so easy to work with.

I'm just so lucky to have found this gig, coz always fancied making a living out of writing, lets just hope this gets me there. In the mean time, there's just so much I've learned in this one day working with her, I can't even begin to imagine what I'm going to end with in two weeks time. Ironically, even words can't describe how fuckin happy I am to have found this.

She still wants me

That's what she said, literally. So here I am, a few months later, enjoying the single life and not even thinking about the last relationship when I finally decide to talk to her. Of course I wish I hadn't. She is a nice woman, I still care about her despite what transpired between us, so I thought I should talk to her and see what she's been up to.

Sigh, apparently she still wants me and wanted a second chance, etc. But then comes the question, what if the second chance is given out of sympathy and not love, is there time for the love to come? pun intended. I don't know, made me sad to see her still resenting but after the ensuing lecture I gave her, I hope she moves on, coz she can do better.

The Problem

So it seems the girl troubles continue even today, or at least did. To which point the awesome Seni, came in and helped straighten my thinking. She likes someone else and thank God for that, if not I'd have to go through the usual trouble of getting them someone else or helping them get someone else. All messy work that I just can't afford to do, given my current schedules.

Well hopefully I will get up in the morning and this will be gone, but while we're on the subject, it's interesting to look at some of those 'swing and miss' songs from back in the day, ok may be not too back.

This was all over the place, and it was even more annoying when people with bad voices gave up lip-syncing and actually singing it.



Then there was this one as well, which was more fun to sing along to I suppose



And this last one wasn't as popular as the other two, but it was what I used to sing during those times.

Pheelings

Such a weird thing, coming on at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons and most of the time for the wrong people. I wish sometimes, it could just be turned off when not needed. Even this latest case of them coming up for me is just weird because of the person and circumstances involved.

I'm at this point where 2 months past the break up, I'm ok for another relationship but still I don't want to get into one, just because. I don't want to like anyone at the moment, because I have too much work and more importantly because I don't want to.

This has happen before and the solution was to stay away from her, but this time around, due to circumstances, I literally have to get closer to her. Saying why, will actually give away the person. She is a lot of things I like and look for in a woman, but somehow , I know inside there is no use pursuing this because it's not going to work out.

But looking further into it, I think it's more of knowing it won't workout, that makes this weird but moreover, I just don't want to go through any heartbreak and build up false expectations, I simply don't have the patience or the time to actually deal with it.

Oh well, I don't know if I'm in denial or not, but as much as I would love something to happen, I don't want it to go into the awkward. Sigh, tis a dilemma, hopefully this is just a temporary thing that I will forget tomorrow.                                                                                                                      

There's something about Seni

Senilicious

She ain't your average woman, getting screamy about Justin Beiber and crying after watching One Tree Hill. Known her for almost a year now, but it's like I've known her forever. Such an awesome person, someone I try to be like all the time, of course, fall short. 

Sigh, I miss her so much, now that she is stranded in India for the next 3 years. There's the skype dates, but it's not the same as going around with her and receiving that motherly lecture about switching my phone off while eating, sigh I miss that. So much to say about this amazing woman I'm so lucky to have in my life, as a friend ;) Mr.Kutub is a very lucky guy :)

Oh well Seni, can't wait till you come back in October.

I love you man

 ♥

Fingers Crossed

So I have an interview today, not sure how it's going to work out but for some reason I don't want the job, but something inside me says I should take it. Yes it's like one of those voice inside your head moments. Oh well, just for the sake of it, lets hope it goes well.

I love this blog

I do, because I've always liked the idea of keeping record of my thoughts, but at the same time too lazy to write stuff down. But now that I love blogging, this blog has been an easy way to take it all down. Coming to think of it, reading the Diary of Anne Frank inspired me to start this in the first place.

So I think now on September 11th I'm going to write down, the things I want to achieve and maybe in a while look back and see where I'm at.

I think somewhere in the near future I want to do something related to journalism and writing, then move onto get my degree in law. Then I think I'll go to the UK and complete my masters in law and possible work there for a while. Come back here and work in politics, ending up with my own Hard Rock Cafe, right here in Colombo.

Somewhere in between there will be marriage and kids, but oh well, fate's taken me in weird directions over the past 20 years, left just see how the next 20 workout.

Lust is in the air

That's one thing I suppose has been hard about the breakup, the love strengthened, undercurrent sensitivity. That sounds complex but in simple, love never dies, it just translates into lust. Now that I'm finally over my 'disgust' for feminine drama, it's like I'm sub-consciously searching for someone else, emanating lust and probing for sexual undercurrents. It all sounds weird when you think about it consciously, but I guess it's the 'hearts' natural response.

But I guess I've already gotten used to fighting off the temptation, grabbing the lust and stuffing it into a lamp. Oh boy, it's no easy task, but it's something I have to work hard at because many of my best friends are girls, and I want my relationships with them to stay the way they are, no complications, no drama. I guess one day, the right one will come along, till then, it's a whole lot of fighting away the temptation.

Regrets

I have a lot of them and I'm happy I do because they remind me, I'm imperfect and I am human. Everyone makes mistakes, but if you see life the way I do, those mistakes are meant to be made. So that they act as warnings, reminders from the past and as teachers, telling you how to get it right the next time.

I know people say stuff like, a perfect life is one without regrets, but then I ask, can a life ever be perfect? I bet that's just something they say in denial. Well, I'm imperfect, so even I'm not sure everything I say is right, but I guess we all share common logic, so based on that logic this arguments has to be right yea?

Here's to life
Hanging out. Making out.
Sneaking out. Passing out
Whatever happens, happens
No regrets, just lessons learned.

Be happy

A friend of mine said "happiness is subjective, you're only as happy as you want to be", and she was right, there is no proper measure for happiness, you just define for yourself when you are 'happy'. I guess I'll take a lesson from that and in times of shit, just take a step back and compare things with something worse and be happy I've got something better. That didn't make sense, but when you're as happy as I am, it doesn't have to.

Stopping is for losers

There were the emo days for me, nothing was going right. I had issues in school, didn't like what I was studying, problems at home with what was left of my family. So many sleepless nights, so many thoughts, so much despair and hopelessness, and the never ending urge to meet my creator.

But then came work, dance and good friends. They offered me an escape from all the troubles at home and more importantly, offered me an escape from loneliness and thought. Gave me something to laugh about, something to kill fifteen hours of the day with and gave me hope that I was worth something, even if we were practicing for a final piece of 5 minutes.

I used to go by "Love - Dance - Live". It meant loving what you had and did, dancing away the pain and the hours, living because you can and having fun while doing it. There came a day I accepted everything that had happened to me and decided that it's not going to stop me.

I threw away my blade, that which I had carefully kept hidden in my phone all those years, found a well paying job and finally, visited my Dad's grave. I don't remember much of that day, but it wasn't as emotional as I expected because, I had accepted my fate, killed my insecurities and stepped up to keeping what was left of my family together.

On that very spot where a few years, I stood as a boy, crumbling under the weight of that coffin, I stood now a man, having weathered the storm of despair and adolescent emotion, steadfast on moving forward, my eyes to the sky in gratitude for the shit I had been through.

Today I sit at a point where I can say I've been to hell and back, lived the ups and the downs. And I don't want to stop, come whatever may!

Realization

My mentors used to tell me, that fate has something big planned for me, probably because I've survived an abortion and almost everyday of a decade in hospital. And here I am pissing all that away. I drink too much, smoke too much, procrastinate too much and at times I'm just useless, quite literally and it appalls me.

There are so many things that I want to do, but something about me just keeps me from doing them and I don't know what. I want to study, do well and make my mum proud, give her a reason to smile every time she looks at me, but all I ever do is disappoint her.

This realization comes to me after a long night of drinking with friends and finally sitting under the stars having a cigarette. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, my mum has worked too hard for it, for me to piss it away like this.

I've always been good at keeping promises made to other people, but when it comes to resolutions and promises to myself, I just can't keep them and I have no one to blame but myself. It's a dilemma, I don't mind leaving this world and journeying past its miseries, into the beyond but that will just be another disappointment to those who've helped me drag my life on this long.

I have friends, good ones and I love them, but sometimes I wish there was that special one. To love and be loved, that's all I want. Someone who I could connect to beyond the physical attraction and emotional currents. Someone whose shoulders I can rest on and just close my eyes, not say a word and lay there forever in her warmth.

Someone I will love every moment of everyday, someone who'll accept my pathetic being into her caress without judging me. Sigh, wish it were that simple, maybe there just isn't someone for who and what I am now, maybe change would bring that along, who knows.

But I guess I'm past the hard part of accepting what and who I am, and acknowledging the fact that I need to change. I guess from now on, I will try harder, I'm a nice guy to other people but have I ever tried being nice to me? Stupid question I guess, i could never do that, seeing a smile always makes me smile.

Having said that, I'm not the one to put someone before me, curse or blessing, that's my nature, I just hope it pays off in the end. But I now know I'm wrong, I'm a sinner and a failure. I'm just going to move past that and change.

Change so that I wouldn't disappoint my dear mum, my friends or myself. Like it or not, I'm going to take the lemons life sends my way and turn it into something worthwhile, if shit hits the fan as usual, I'm not going to complain, rather just clean it up just like any other time I've done so.

Simplicity is the essence of life

I don't know what it is about the material life that keeps people attracted to it, but in the end it's just all hollow, what you own, ends up owning you, your life is weighed down by the material and not filled with what's important, life.

Especially with the rise in capitalism, everyone's just worried about working long and making money to buy everything the want, but is that all there is to life? Just working long, making money and spending it, where is the love, where is the life, isn't it more about the life in your days than the days in your life.

Sigh, wish it were as simple though, the reality is that we live in a world where it is necessity, the being excessive, having what we want and working the long hours doing something we may not even like. I guess the rents have to be made, bills need to be paid and food put on the table.

I wish it was simple, make love on a white sanded beach and eat whatever the sea brings, roll a joint and smoke up on a hammock by the sea, ah qui est la vie, but then again, not to be, time to start working again.